A Sunlit Hand

Is it so bad?

so bad, (disbelief?)

and what if I told you the truth.

what would you say?

(shit, maybe nothing at all…)

because I already know all these faults.

except sometimes I hear them

from angles oblique

and I defend and distract with greed

not because I can’t stand to be wrong

(mostly I just have to be right)

but isn’t that what is wanted from me?

(when these shadows creep in)

I shine on a smile

a joke- not funny, but distracting

I’m able to pretend to get things off track

I can hide things with the expert of rats

you see, what I want…

I see what I want.

but inside I know what is gone-

I can feel it

in held breath

and I see it the the way

that your face rests,

missing its joy.

(and you told me!)

you asked me.

and I hollered! and stammered! and slammed!

(that’s when my brain

shrinks corners)

please believe me-

please read me

(I want it to branch out!)

my blame is abundant

I find everyone

(“hey, you!” Mr. Jones on the street

I was walking here… and how!

this ain’t fair… why don’t you see!)

I find everybody

I can point out for you and he and her

the room of despair? it is lonely and blurred

truth is

apparent

when lists of the damage

is totalled

and it grows and grows

as time slows and slows

and I go and go

recounting totals

back to the scene-

back to the scene-

why did I do it? (why did I do it)

can this be me

did anyone see

(and I find my sentence

and I find my resistance)

and you are there

wondering.

who?

who.

like an owl

we never see what is new.

the tide is today

and its chipping away

and the channels are deep and destructive

the tide is today

the sand is moving away

perhaps I could grab some to sprinkle

I could dust up this spot

and over here drop

and smile, (even if it’s just for the plot)

maybe in awhile

I could even smile

or dance, or sing… otherwise ought

to not be distraught

don’t I deserve that?

I know you do.

maybe you could even help me

(I could help you)

and I’m back here again

wanting to be your best friend.

not knowing what to do.

not knowing,

not seeing the angles

and surprised when I fuck something up.

with the best of intentions

it still is fucked up

and that means mistakes

the books say they happen

(I know they happen)

and I’m okay

until it comes to you

this esteem’s thin veneer

smudges interior

an unworthy inferior warrior

I follow their paths

I sense all the wrath

now I know what that can do

and I read how they follow

before it felt hollow

this density leaves out you

but I want you in here

if you’ll destroy this sphere

I swear I can deal with the fear

I’ve felt it arise

and dissipate before my eyes

leaving my sight back intact

yet it’s all under the waves

where you surf everyday

calling out to the shore

MCoy’s Dillemna

It was dark when I started

you could see that

my eyes were covered

my pitch was flat

the food was tasteless

a hazard at best

and in no time, life

moved like rest

 

it was glossy

and figured

to play out like that

it was tossing

and lingered

’till that last at bat

and all of a sudden

I could see it all

the horizon of timelessness

plastered the wall

 

Henry was torn

his legged sewn in pieces

and a ragged tail

following short

bye brother I said,

he said see ya, brother

and in a few years that’s what we did

 

my rent was close by

and my feet were free

it was all pretty good,

except hauling groceries

it went on awhile

and then the rust bucket

came with a bill

made me say fuck it…

 

so I went to the glass doors

with creases and bullets

and was soon enough proving

that I could commit

to a measly 4 years

and a country and another

and those guys in the green

pretended to be brothers

but I all I could see

with my steady pay check

was the spots on the glass

and the beer on tarmac

it was a life of leisure

it was a life of the oceans

where sand and bikinis

were never frozen

where the cliffs were steep

and broken forgiving

it was fantasy, real world

it was life that was pouring

from every moment

I wouldn’t even sleep

it was hedonism and pleadin’

for another drop deep

 

it was chasing and racing

and falling face flat

and all the while I’d run on through that.

I found out on Fridays I could run for 2 hours

through red clay and jungle and all kinds of large spiders

and by moonlight the bats could carry you away

but I ran anyway, never afraid

 

I’d meet a strange room, where I wasn’t welcome

and soon have them drinking and laughing at one

of those lame jokes, see, I was no threat

and we all wanted safety, we gave it a rest

 

some were lazy,others just drunks

some were quiet, guilt ridden monks

some were stabbers, they’d see your back

and when they were done, you’d never come back.

 

soon I was laying and standing and writhing

she was confused by the life she’d been riding

so she said goodbye and I was just there

and I have a thing for long, brown hair

I never knew why, I still don’t

but there I was never saying I won’t

it was all full of yesses and it will work out

now I can say that, but I can’t quite shout out

because when I flew off and she told me goodbye

it took awhile , hell, it was only sky

between us, but in that case it was too long

I should have known and just kissed her so long

instead I was one place, but torn to another

I passed on those two years

and then passed on another

and that angel came to me and put up with this crap

and now she is just hoping I’ll cry in her lap

and fall asleep right there- undisturbed

because her happiness lifts me, and that unnerves

and sends me running- fear hijacked

the buttons

my wiring is crossed

filled with delusion

which I can’t see, I can’t even be fooled

the doctor tries, he’s got the tools

but I cannot wield them, I drop them, forget

so I think it’s getting better,

she screams, “not yet!”

Acclivity Necessity

I came into town on a night

in December

My eyes couldn’t see,

driven too far 

where I come from, you won’t

remember

the girl in the corner keeps reading… 

my stars

She’d like to believe, she can’t

see scars

It’s so bright in this place, it’s hard to
start seeing
it’s well taken care of, things each
have a place
there’s shiny thrones, with wipes for
mis-peeing
nobody will burden, nothing too 
face
if they only cared to, I’d be

on my way

mother and father, gave a
sister and brother
my uncle and aunt kept my tongue

clean with soap .

some guy in LA, gave me visions
of some kind of another
I was just happy to be sliding
down slopes
if I only cared to, I’d come out of the covers

but in this darkness

everything floats

in a winter like this you take what they
give you
only the bravest can go out on
their own
she’s holding my hand, her face
seems accepting
Believing most of these problems are
way overblown
and if I cared to, I’d get on with improving.

but something seems ill when it’s all mine-

mind to own

the wind from the west, is
never ceasing
it comes with scents, as old as
the breeze
I wanted to rest here, I came for
the breathing
my lungs are not stretched out, taste like
they bleed
and if I cared to, I’d know this is living

is more than a need.

and slower or faster by moments 

we heed

the truth is the moment no judgement

indeed

there is only now, no forever

stays a mystery

I can’t see back there

vanished to grey

and darkness shrouds

sounds slipped insane

from observation it’s easy to mention

conjunctions confuse junctions

like rain

we can’t see a thing

so we sing

we can’t hear a thing

give me bling

we can’t feel

anything-

it’s numbing the plumbing

residing with me

I once could tell you

“just rise above”

before I’d been shoveled over 

by fear

I once could show you

invincible love

before I’d been shadowed

by fear

I once could hold you

before I’d seen failure

deposited here

and now I’m quiet,

so quiet

I’m hoping you’ll stumble like I did in here

and we can sit silent together

in fear

like some kind of forever

a fairy tale, dear.

a curse of the wicked?

or decisions unclear?

where habits are trampled

in favor of fear

and love is a knowledge

though numb, it’s sincere

and I still need a way out of here.

the bubble is small, 

and somehow clear

clear enough feel your pain

my thirst is quenched while you give your tears.

and still you smile

remembering years

while I face my style

and pray for more years

and we neither see now

is our moment to steer

we wrestle with time

love versus fear